Dismantling to the Studs: The Messy Process of Rebuilding a Life
Uncovering the Quiet Striving that Broke Me Open in Midlife
A colleague of mine calls himself a recovery coach. Not just in the 12-step sense but also in the SELF and parts senses, with internal family systems. I am sitting with this term as this is what I've been doing and helping clients do for the last 5 years.
Marking this Day.
Iโm writing and sharing with you because today is one of those days when I can sit down and write about how I can look back and see ๐๐ฅ๐ฅ ๐ญ๐ก๐ ๐๐จ๐ญ๐ฌ ๐๐จ๐ง๐ง๐๐๐ญ๐ข๐ง๐ . As I see and witness, I am recovering my essential, capital-A-authentic self and learning to release the conditioned, protective parts.
These are some of the essential pieces:
๐๐๐๐จ๐ง๐ฌ๐ญ๐ซ๐ฎ๐๐ญ๐ข๐ง๐ ๐ญ๐ก๐ ๐ข๐ฆ๐ฉ๐๐๐ญ ๐จ๐ ๐ญ๐ก๐ ๐๐ฏ๐๐ง๐ ๐๐ฅ๐ข๐๐๐ฅ & ๐ฉ๐๐ญ๐ซ๐ข๐๐ซ๐๐ก๐๐ฅ ๐๐ฎ๐ฅ๐ญ๐ฎ๐ซ๐ ๐ ๐ฐ๐๐ฌ ๐ข๐ฆ๐ฆ๐๐ซ๐ฌ๐๐ ๐ข๐ง ๐๐จ๐ซ ๐ญ๐ก๐ ๐๐ข๐ซ๐ฌ๐ญ ๐๐ ๐ฒ๐๐๐ซ๐ฌ ๐จ๐ ๐ฆ๐ฒ ๐ฅ๐ข๐๐. It's all I knew. The lingering trauma wasn't one event, it was the tainted & insidious air I breathed in these communities. I unconsciously oriented my whole being around being "chosen" instead of giving myself autonomy to choose. This culture literally prohibited the scientific and neural development of psychological interoception (embodied self-trust) in me.
๐๐จ๐ฉ๐ข๐ง๐ ๐ฆ๐๐๐ก๐๐ง๐ข๐ฌ๐ฆ๐ฌ ๐ซ๐๐ฐ๐๐ซ๐๐๐ ๐๐ฒ ๐ฌ๐จ๐๐ข๐๐ญ๐ฒ: The masking and societal coping mechanisms formed for my "acceptance and being chosen" in that world worked until they didn't.
โฃ Good Girl
โฃ People Pleasing
โฃ Achievement
โฃ Accomplishment
โฃ Personal Growth
โฃ Emotional Labor
โฃ Overfunctioning (THE tiny door that led me to ALL of this recovering)
โฃ Spiritual and positivity bypassing
โฃ Leadership
โฃ CBT - "Thought Models" and "Change Your Thinking Change Your Life"
๐๐ก๐ ๐ฆ๐ข๐๐ฅ๐ข๐๐ ๐๐จ๐๐ฒ ๐ซ๐๐ฏ๐จ๐ฅ๐ญ of early perimenopause - hypothyroidism, a heart attack, a hysterectomy, chronic costochondritis, and possible MCAS or long-covid and psychological burn out. Not easy but I am grateful.
๐๐๐ญ๐ ๐๐ข๐๐ ๐ง๐จ๐ฌ๐๐ ๐๐๐ก๐ (๐๐) ๐๐ง๐ ๐-๐ญ๐ข๐ฌ๐ฆ (๐๐). - This gave me an entirely new paradigm that gave me a map. That map came with 50 years of stored grief, and having to relearn how to live internally and externally.
The word "OVERFUNCTIONING" led me to ๐๐ง๐ญ๐๐ซ๐ง๐๐ฅ ๐
๐๐ฆ๐ข๐ฅ๐ฒ ๐๐ฒ๐ฌ๐ญ๐๐ฆ๐ฌ 4 years ago. This paradigm and way of being in myself and seeing others led me out of the force of my head and thinking and into compassion and connection within and to my nervous system. The distinction of Power v Force comes to mind. Before IFS - everything was force. With IFS - everything is connected power.
All of this had to intersect. None is independent of the other. Iโm starting to sense a wholeness that is new to me.
If you think of a historic home taken down to the studs, I have been doing this for the last four years (and mentoring courageous clients in doing the same). I have been dismantling and grieving. I've been sorting and re-shoring my deepest foundations. What a messy process - I can see as my body chuckles. During the mess, we often canโt see the purpose. It can be confidence-obliterating and confusing.
The rebuild season is here. This rebuilding is infused with hope, grounded confidence, and certainty that the best is yet to come.
Finally, as always, I share to help you see you so that you may connect with your own path to self-acceptance and self-trust. Your story isnโt exactly like mine, but similar threads may exist. I know I am not alone, because you tell me, this is also you. You are not alone either - even though not many talk about it.
I promise to keep sharing my heart and showing my work so that we all may trust ourselves more each day.
Love, Allison